Grief
by flowk
Summary: Sheppard deals with Weir's death, with some help from Carter. UST Missing scene from This Mortal Coil


**Grief**

**(Missing Scene: This Mortal Coil )**

**AN: usual disclaimers. This idea has been buzzing around for quite awhile now. Occurs after they gate back, before final scene with Rodney.**

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"Colonel Carter, please respond."

Colonel Samantha Carter, recently appointed expedition leader in Atlantis, tapped her ear piece, but kept reading the report she was working on.

"Carter here. What is it, Rodney?"

"Colonel Sheppard is not responding to hails. I think he is intentionally wasting my time. Is he around the control room?"

What, now she was McKay's personal gofer? Still, she stood up and moved to the window of her office, glancing around before answering.

"No, Rodney, he hasn't been around since the debriefing. Problem?"

"No, no problem. He probably took off his headset just to annoy me. I have some data from our recent mission I wanted to run over with him."

"I'll keep an eye out for him and send him your way. Carter out."

"McKay out."

Sam tapped her headset again to close the connection and found herself wondering where John Sheppard was. He was usually very conscientious, and she wondered, sometimes, if he slept in his headset to be sure he didn't miss anything. Not responding was kind of unusual. She got up from her desk and crossed the bridge to the control center.

"Chuck, have you seen Colonel Sheppard?"

"No, ma'am, not since he got back from M34-227. Do you want me to page him?"

"No, that's ok, but do you think you could use his tracking device to locate him?"

"Of course," said the young technician, spinning in his chair to the graphic projection of the city. After entering a few codes, one lone dot appeared on the schematic.

"I could route a page to those quarters, ma'am, rather than publicly."

Sam looked at Chuck, seeing he must have realized that she didn't want to announce to the base that Colonel Sheppard was missing.

"No, that's ok. I need to stretch my legs anyway, so I'll just go get him to check his headset. Where exactly is he?" she asked, looking more carefully at the display.

"That floor is crew quarters, ma'am. He's in . . ." He faded out hesitantly.

"Where, airman?"

"Uh, that would be Dr. Weir's old quarters."

Nodding to herself, Sam thanked Chuck and set off to the crew quarters area.

She had not been in Elizabeth Weir's quarters. When she arrived, the loss was too new, and many expected to rescue the missing leader. She had asked Teyla to pack up Elizabeth's office things, and she assumed they had been placed in the missing woman's room. She didn't want to speculate on why Colonel Sheppard was in her quarters now.

Reaching her destination, she hesitated before the door controls. She could ring, but that would let him know she knew someone was there. She decided to just use her override to enter. Waving a hand over the door controls, she stepped through as the doors opened, shutting them quickly behind her.

"What part of 'leave me alone' do you not understand?"

She looked over at the bed in the room and saw Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard, sitting with his back to her, his hands wrapped around his head, his elbows on his knees.

"Obviously not enough, since he called me to find you."

She heard a sharp intake of breath as Sheppard jumped up, glancing at her then quickly away. As he moved to the window, she glanced around the room to give him time to recover. There were several partially full packing crates.

"McKay couldn't reach you," she said by way of explanation, noticing at the same time his headpiece on a table by the door. "So I got sent out to track you down."

He glanced away from the window at his earpiece and grinned ruefully before turning away again. "That's McKay, alright. Can't leave a person in peace for an hour." He was still facing away from her, but his body language spoke volumes, from his stiff stance to his crossed arms. He appeared very interested in the toes of his boots.

Sam waited to see if he would offer any explanation, then decided to just go for it.

"John, what are you doing here?" she asked softly.

His shoulders tightened for a moment, then he slowly turned around, still studying his feet.

"Well, now that we've been informed of her death, I thought I'd, umm, pack up her things and ship them to her mother." He raised his head finally, dropping his hands and looking at her as if defying her to find anything to object to.

Sam caught the defiance, but she was overwhelmed by the anguish in his features. His eyes were almost hollow, lacking all light. The lines around his mouth were deeper than usual, and his mouth was tightly shut in a thin line.

"Can't someone else do this?"

He appeared to ignore her question and reached over and picked up a small pot from a box in the corner. "I gave her this, you know. It was her first birthday out here, and I thought someone should remember."

As he raised his eyes to her again, she realized where she'd seen the look before: on her own face as reflected in the cover of Jack O'Neill's stasis chamber after the Antarctica battle. She had seen that expression on Jack's face, too, as he faced her across a force field, knowing he could not save her.

Sheppard put down the pot and sat again on the edge of the bed as if his legs would no longer hold him, and, leaning his elbows on his knees, rubbed his face as if waking up. "I should have gone back."

"No, John, you did as she ordered. Would it have made a difference?"

He thought a moment, his head braced on his clasped hands. "Probably not," he admitted, unwillingly.

Sam approached him and laid a hand on his shoulder. "She knew that, John. She didn't want you to waste your life, and the lives of your team, on what couldn't be done."

His shoulder, under her hand, was stiff.

She continued, more softly. "You're not the only person to lose a close friend."

To her surprise, he gave a little snort but didn't say anything. Suddenly a few things fell into place.

"John, was there more to your relationship?"

He tensed under her hand, then stood up, stiffly, to walk, once more, to the window.

"My relationship with Dr. Elizabeth Weir was our business and did not interfere with the management of this base," he said formally.

Reading between the lines, Sam approached him at the window. "John, feelings happen. I found out the hard way that you can't just turn them off because there is a rule against them."

She paused, giving silence some time to work.

"We were, uh, close friends. Remember, that first year, we were alone out here." He looked out over the ocean of Atlantis's new planet. His voice grew softer. "All of us depended on each other because we were all we had. And Elizabeth and I, since we were both in command, we supported each other."

He paused, and Sam approached him again. Softly, she said, "But you wanted more?"

He didn't answer, but after a few moments, he gave a quick nod. She hated pushing him like this, in an area that wasn't strictly her business, but it was becoming clear to her that this was not a simple situation of losing a commanding officer or even a loved one. It was the loss of the dreams, the hopes, the might-have-beens. Too much had been left unsaid. Sometimes such losses were even worse. Sam took a deep breath.

"John, have you given yourself time to grieve?"

Sheppard appeared to wince as if in pain. His voice was thick when he replied, "No. She wasn't dead."

Sam gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze, and they stood there a few minutes as John tried to get his emotions under control and Sam thought about what to do next. She needed her military commander at 100 per cent, but the human needed some time. Reaching a decision, she stepped away, summoning Teyla to complete the packing.

Turning back, she said, "Colonel Sheppard."

John straightened his shoulders and turned to face her, recognizing her command voice.

"Yes ma'am."

She ignored the redness around his eyes. "Please remain here to brief Teyla on the necessary packing. Then I'd like you to give me a report on the status of the grounding station closest to the north pier. That report is due in six hours. I will inform Dr. McKay that you will report to him at that time."

John finally met her eyes, seeing there a complete understanding of his situation. "Yes, Ma'am. And . . . Thank you."

Nodding, and giving him a small smile, Sam left the room, meeting Teyla in the corridor. She looked Teyla straight in the eye and said, "He needs help packing Dr. Weir's things."

Sam saw understanding dawn in the other woman's eyes, along with a different kind of sorrow.

"I will see to it."

"Don't let him stay too long," Sam continued, softly. "I've given him an errand to give him some time, so be sure he leaves soon."

"Of course." Teyla nodded, then activated the door controls and entered the room.

Sam paused a moment, reviewing her actions, and realized there was nothing more she could do. Starting off down the corridor, she activated her headset.

"McKay, this is Carter."

"McKay here, go ahead."

"Colonel Sheppard will be available in six hours. I have asked him to report to you at that time."

"Six hours?! Is my time worth nothing? What could be more important…"

"McKay, six hours. Carter out."

She walked back to the control room, doing a mental review of her to-do list, and grateful for a certain General Jack O'Neill, very much alive in the Milky Way galaxy.

--fin--


End file.
